Why arguing could save your marriage

24th September '12

We all do it. Argue that is. But with new research stating that fighting could ultimately be the thing that could save your marriage, we’re suddenly intrigued. You mean that giving the cold shoulder, or skulking off to the pub in a strop could actually be a positive experience? Please, tell us more:…….

“Arguments happen because it’s impossible for two people to have the same opinions all of the time”, says psychologist Geoff Beattie.” It is important to realise that lack of ability and willingness to argue fairly often predicts, that any issues not addressed tend to fester tension, distance and mistrust.

It’s no surprise to hear that venting is much better for a relationship than resenting. “When couples are not truthful with each other about the way they feel this can often result in them resenting one another,” says Beattie. Talking, or even arguing if it comes to it, are much better ways of communicating than shutting everything away inside your head.

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With sex, division of household chores, money and work being at the top of our list when it comes to arguing, it’s no surprise that when times get tough and frustrations get the better of us, we end up screaming and shouting the house down. However everyone argues differently and  your arguing style can say a lot about relationship.

“Sometimes people find they’re fighting battles that have far more to do with the past than the present”, says Beattie. Feelings of rejection or betrayal in childhood can create sensitive areas that partners press without realising.   For example, a partner whose parent left suddenly in childhood may find themselves overreacting to a hastily arranged business trip, so bear this in mind and try not to use your partners weaknesses as weapons against them.

So how does a couple have a good bust up but resolve things harmoniously?

The first thing you need to do is ask, what it is you are fighting about?

It may sound daft but so many couples can’t answer this when asked, or funnier still, say completely different things. Make sure you understand what you are fighting about and don’t bring up any past arguments. If you are arguing about just one thing, the argument should be concluded in about ten minutes. However, bring historical fights into the mix and you could be shouting for a long time.

Mockery

There are things couples can do that can turn a simple little argument into something far greater. Something that could even effect the longevity of the relationship, explains Peer Contempt and mockery are two of the most destructive elements in a relationship and among the hardest things to recover from as they are so personal.

Mocking and being superior with body language is also very damaging, such as rolling your eyes, grimacing or sighing deeply. If you get side tracked by name calling and mockery the solution will never be found and the argument would have been pointless.

By giving your partner respect, listening to what they have to say and then taking time to digest it, you are more likely to solve the argument whilst remaining on friendly ground.

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Analyse

It’s also good to analyse what’s worth arguing about and what isn’t. Instead of then shouting, you can sit down and explain. A discussion like this will be far more beneficial to your relationship than screaming over something that might seem petty.

“When you keep things bottled up inside your stress levels increase and it can actually be really damaging for your health. You are letting issues fester without giving them the full attention and the time they need to be solved.

By having a huge row we enable all of our TRUE feelings to be aired. The solving should be the best bit, as it proves to you that you and your partner are willing to work together to make things right, proving that you have a relationship that can go the distance.Image result for feelings

But what happens if you really can’t stop rowing?

If every time you try to talk about something serious, and it ends in a fight then don’t panic, says Peer. Agree to write each other a letter saying what is upsetting you and then read it in separate rooms. Writing everything down enables you to gather your thoughts and focus on what is really important.

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As lots of people know, the making up after an argument is usually the best bit. Once you have come to a conclusion make sure you reconnect with your partner straight away, says Peer. When you come to a conclusion, congratulate each other. By telling your partner how you appreciate they have handled a conflict in a good way then your relationship can go from strength to strength.

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